Becoming Unhinged

24.

The politics of the novel became somewhat unhinged from the Marxist-Leninist orthodoxy which I continued to espouse. I sent a draft to my old comrade Kathy and she did wonder about that. I assured her that the quasi-Christian anarchy of the novel were fully compatible with Marxism-Leninism, and I believed that at the time, even as the world was tiring of the failures of Marxism-Leninism, as China repudiated the Cultural Revolution and increasingly turned capitalist, even as glasnost and perestroika were sweeping Leninist orthodoxy out of the Soviet Union, in a way that we hoped would revitalize the Soviet experiment, though these movements turned out to be too little too late. The “party-building” movement, which I still supported, was becoming hopelessly confused by the mid eighties, with group after group biting the dustbin of history.

The novel seemed to require increasing amounts of marijuana to sustain its inspiration. My own grip on rationality was loosening. I would spend many a morning stoned on Thai Stick, dressed as my protagonist – Ben Davis Can’t Bust Em coveralls with the monkey on the pocket and a yellow baseball style cap with blue Mercury wings – wandering the streets of Berkeley and the halls of the UC library stacks following my hero’s journey.
My sexuality became increasingly impulsive, as I imagined my monkeyman to be, and I persuaded Earldean to participate in all kinds of orgiastic experiences the details of which I will spare you. I have to say that she didn’t take that much persuading. She was a trooper in my explorations.

But then I got it in my head that I was in love with Tessie. I wrote her a poem and a letter declaring my love. We went to the beach and cavorted in the sand. It really looked like it was going to happen.

The next day, I was overcome with guilt about Earldean, and when I went to see Tessie I was foolish enough to be honest about it. This turned Tessie way off, and destroyed my chance of making love to her and having the affair that I thought I wanted. I spent close to two years in unrequited pursuit of this woman, who saw the opportunity to keep me on a string and support her cocaine habit, which I dutifully did. She liked to freebase it, at least $20 a day worth. I would join her, even though the drug did nothing for me.

I did some crazy shit around this affair. Tessie had a boyfriend who worked as a fence, marketing the goods which his friends burglarized from houses and cars, a serious criminal.

One night, he barged in on us when Tessie and I were on the couch making out. He grabbed Tessie, hauled her into the bedroom, and started beating on her. She told me I better leave. I did leave, but I was drunk and stoned, and she had told me that she cared for me much more than him. So without so much as a word to Earldean, who was watching my degeneration in agony, fully believing I was having an affair (which, despite its lack of consummation, I can’t deny), I fished the .25 automatic that her brother had given us out of a drawer and returned to her apartment to challenge him. We had words, but fortunately I wasn’t stupid enough to pull the gun. I ended up leaving again, but thinking back on it, I am lucky to be alive.

At one point during this two year affair, our house got burglarized, and I’m pretty sure that Tessie’s boyfriend had something to do with it. I didn’t mention this to Earldean.